My hand turned me down
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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