Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize