So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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