I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
