does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
