At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
