Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
