i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
