I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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