She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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