Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
