Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
