Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Swine flu is the new snow day.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
