There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
