I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
