remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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