I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
so let's talk penis.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
