the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
