I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We don't watch enough power rangers
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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