he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Sorry about my life...
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
