Only a mothe r could love this liver
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
