He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
