We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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