I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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