True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Come on in and take your pants off
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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