i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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