The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
