I wish they made helmets for livers.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
