God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
