so that wasnt chicken after all
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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