theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
