apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
i think my cat just said my name.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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