yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
