Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
