I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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