i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
