She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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