I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
