just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Everclear isn't food dammit
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
