when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
