I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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