we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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