apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
