My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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