Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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