You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
