I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
