WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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