who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize