My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
