I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Randomize