um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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