It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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