I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
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