gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
