the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
