Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
