Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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