Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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