Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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