Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
