dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
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