I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
