Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize