There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
